Three Men and a Frog

Death and rebirth. Destruction and creation. Letting go and making space.

I've been blessed to have a tribe of incredible people offering the yin and yang energies I have needed over last 18 months. But perhaps I underestimated the potential of the men in my life to hold space. And hold space they have. A sign of things to come that the men I know now are breaking free of the bullshit immature masculine archetypes they've been bred on (see my post from Father's Day 2018 for more on this). This last month, I've been met, challenged and supported by some incredible men who are diving deep. Three experiences in particular have made some big shifts and I wanted to honor them by sharing. I don't often share experiences of this nature here but the latter two are with practitioners that some of you may want to reach out to yourselves, it would be selfish not to share!

A beautiful man I found in the Bulgarian mountains, Zak Avery, joined me for a swim in the gorgeous Sgwd Gwladys waterfalls, where the pulse of nature gets under your skin and awakens you to awe. As we sat post-swim working with mantra and meditation, he offered me some rapé (ha-pay/ha-peh). Rapé, if you're not familiar, is a type of indigenous American ground tobacco, mixed with other plant ashes, to make a snuff. I've worked with this plant medicine before and to be honest never got much from it other than a grim feeling in my nose and a bit of a pick-me-up. But this time was different. This beautiful man softened my judgements by sharing his knowledge on rapé and inviting me to meet it in a new light. I set an intention of what I wanted to release as he blew it up my left nostril, and what I wanted to invite in as he blew it up my right nostril. What came after was completely unexpected. I closed my eyes to meditate and almost instantly began to feel my lower body vibrate. It became so strong that I was fiercely shaking, discharging built up tension around my hips. Then the shaking moved to my chest, my heartspace feeling like it might burst. This lasted for about ten minutes and I had to work hard not to get scared or fight it. Tears were falling down my face. During this, the man from the mountains stayed close and read out elemental meditations. Afterwards he listened as I tried to verbalise everything that had moved through me. I was lighter.

Last week, Chris Barker posted inviting people for a Shamanic Energy Healing. Having no idea what to expect, I arrived to Chris' house to be met with fresh sage tea from his garden and as much space as I needed to talk about anything and everything I wanted to focus on healing that day. What then unfolded is pretty hard to describe. Through hands-on body work, song, the use of feathers and sound to shift energies, and working with intention, Chris created a space where I felt completely safe to unravel. Sounds, sobs and shakes came out of me. Deep pain from sexual trauma and childhood (that I thought I had "dealt" with) surfaced and moved on. A great power inside of me came forth and co-created a space where I also felt I was holding Chris, as though our spirits were in their own dance. At the end, Chris gave me time to write if I wanted to and what emerged on the page revealed yet more about my patterns, and my journey into trust, sensuality and power. We ended with Chris playing the hangdrum, which helped me transition back into a "normal" space, and a lengthy chat about what had emerged. I felt physically and emotionally lighter for days, bouyant and buzzing from the experience. I was awakened.

Then comes Benjamin Mudge (see https://www.kamboceremonies.com). Fresh off the plane from retreat in Portugal I somehow landed at Mudge's birthday party. A passionate, empathic and hyper-intelligent man who has campaigned to have Ayahuasca ceremonies recognised by the parliament of world religions and is currently researching a PhD in Ayahuasca for BiPolar disorder. I returned to London this weekend to receive Kambô from Mudge and Frog. My first Kambô experience had been pretty intense (although expertly held by Dr Pardhy) and had no significant impact on my life. This time was different. This time I came with some clear intentions. This time there was also a wonderful synchronicity where people dropped out last minute and only me and one other woman were there, who it turned out was meant to be there with me - but that's a story for another day! I cannot stress how much care, love and attention to detail goes into Mudge's ceremonies. Detailed explanations and space to ask questions; all manner of preparatory and post care supplements that have been meticulously researched to optimise benefits; pre and post kambô use of devices to kill parasites and stimulate the lymphatic system; a choice of frog venoms from different tribes; fresh food and salt baths post ceremony; a bed to rest in. The list goes on! But it was the ceremony itself that blew my mind. Sitting in front of a big image of Frog and the beautiful altar, I read my intentions as Mudge burnt small holes in my skin (you can see these in the picture) and applied the venom. I was then gently invited to let go, to surrender to Frog as Mudge sang medicine songs, played the guitar and didgeridoo, and checked in with me frequently. Mudge holds space one by one so full attention was on me. I really struggled to release. I tried and tried but the trying was another form of control! I laughed, I smiled, I cried, I sang, I looked in, I looked out, I prayed to Frog, I rocked and rubbed my body, but the purge wasn't coming and I had to sit with the toxicity and my mental processes for some time. Mudge was so compassionate and made me feel safe and seen the whole way through. He knew what I needed and with my consent Mudge applied more kambô, A new wave of intensity and Frog wiped me off my feet - there was no choice but to surrender, and in that surrender a sweet trust. [As a bonus for the intensity of the process we both went through, the other woman and I were also given Sananga - essentially onion cordial in the eye...! Yes, it was bloody painful, and yes, it was worth it. Colours were vibrant and eyes refreshed for some time afterwards.] My body felt reset. My mind freed. Mudge's aftercare allowed me to ground. I was new.

Gratitude for these unexpected and nourishing experiences. Gratitude for all the switched-on men in my life.

If you're interested in working with Chris or Mudge yourself then drop them a message, or feel free to ask me any questions.